Gifts You Never Would Have Chosen

Having the courage to speak about the truth takes away the power of the lie. Frequently the “lie” is the result of how others frame an experience for you, trapping you into feelings of guilt and shame, which often imprisons one into a compliant silence, trapped by a false narrative that often leaves its victim to serve a life sentence built on a “lie.” The lie can also be the incomplete way you view your own uncomfortable experiences.  For much of my early life, I kept the more painful remembrances of my childhood traumas in the shadows. Whether it was my mother’s neglectful conduct, or shame resulting from my behavior and actions during that time, I tried to manage them by choosing to ignore and avoid them whenever they were triggered in my mind. I came to realize that the pain I felt when recalling these previous experiences and my attempts to better understand them were much like fumbling around for dropped keys in the dark - grasping, reaching, and otherwise missing the intention of my efforts while growing more frustrated with each attempt.

“The realization that my past was always going to play a role in how I would navigate the world was an important epiphany for me. All of my previous experiences, good and bad, helped to form the person I had become, and I accepted that fact. I strangely made friends with the very things that haunted me.”

Just Enough Light, p.243

Simply put, I gave myself permission to forgive myself. Forgiveness allowed me to spend time with these uncomfortable memories and to see them for what they were and were not - to be the observer of the memory and not its victim. And through this practice of acceptance, the darkness that often had me confused and reactive became a quiet and safe place to dwell. And even if I wasn’t always able to find my “keys,” I knew that I could still be OK, even with uncertainty. Some gifts you never ask for.